If Only

"If only", how many times have you used that phrase? Just yesterday I was thinking, if only it wasn't so wet I could cut the grass.  If only I was taller, I could reach whatever without a stool.  If only I had blue eyes, I love blue eyes.  If only I could win the lottery, what I couldn't do for my children.  If only I had planted more bulbs in the fall, my daffodil garden would be so much fuller.  I could go on and on and I bet you could make quite a list too. 
Denise had quite a few if only's too.  The big one was if only I didn't have this tumor.  If only I didn't have to take so many pills every day.  If only I didn't forget so much.  If only I could read my writing. If only what I want to say would come out of my mouth right.  If only I didn't lose my balance.  If only I didn't feel so sad.  If only I could get better. 

 Some if only's we have the ability to change like planting more bulbs, but some we can't like getting taller.  I can't tell you how many times I have said, "If only my Denise had not died." but she did and no matter how I wish otherwise it cannot be changed.  But her passing has created new if only's.  Now I say "If only I could help other people like Denise.  If only a cure could be found.  If only people would become aware of how brain cancer is increasing.  If only I could help raise funds so doctors can find a cure."  Maybe someday I can make my daughter's if only's come true,  if only you would all help.


Thank You for being one of Denise's People.

Easter

Well it's almost Easter, the first without my baby girl.  Okay so she was 45. she was and still is my Baby Girl or Sweety DD.  Denise was the true chocoholic.  If it was made of or had chocolate in it you could bet she would eat it.  Chocolate Chip cookies, Brownies, DQ Chocolate Fudge Blizzards and most of all Reese Peanut Butter Cups were her favorites.  I would keep boxes of Peanut Butter Cups hidden in the freezer for her and she would check for them every time she came to visit.  I guess because chocolate was her favorite food she always gave it up for lent.  Needless to say she was always anxious for Easter and would indulge in her chocolate with a happy grin on her face (no one has a smile quite like her).  Not just Easter but every holiday I made sure she had some type of chocolate dessert.
How I'll miss her coming in the door on Sunday.  She always brought me tulips or Lilies although she knew it wasn't necessary.  I would plant them in the yard after Easter and still have some coming up each year.  This year I'll turn the tables and buy her some Lilies or Tulips and on Easter morning I will take them to the cemetery and tell her how much she is loved and missed.  Then I will go home and enjoy Easter dinner with my sons, daughter and grandchildren that I have been blessed with and try to ignore the ache in my heart for my  baby girl that is missing.

Don't forget about the walk to end brain tumors this May 29th.  Go to www.walktoendbraintumors.org to to register or just to donate.   You can also check to see if a walk is planned for your state.

Thank you for being one of Denise's People

Regrets

Today is 6 months since my daughter passed and I still miss her so much.  I relive those last few months over and over and have so many question about so many things.  The last few weeks Denise was unable to carry a conversation.  How I missed having talks with her and still do today.   I wanted to know if she knew what was happening to her and how she felt.   I know she was frustrated with everyone helping her, you could see this in her eyes.  Denise was very particular about her home and was always trying to straighten pictures or cushions or whatever.  The problem was the tumor was now taking away her ability to walk on her own.  If she was not being watched she would attempt to do these things on her own which usually ended in a fall.  One day she had a very bad fall and I yelled at her for getting up without my help.  I was immediately sorry I yelled and explained to her that I couldn't stand to see her get hurt.  The fall resulted in some very bad bruises to her abdomen and I could see it also scared her.  I regret to this day yelling at her and hope she knows it was only because I was scared for her.  I wish I could have talked to her about what was happening to her but I always told her everything would be fine.  Maybe putting death into words would have made it too real and I didn't want to accept that.  I know she didn't want to die, but I pray God and his angels helped her accept the inevitable.
Please remember May is Brain Tumor awareness month.  Go to http://walktoendbraincancer.org/ and register to walk in your area. 
Thank you for being one of Denises People.

Frustration

Almost 2 weeks since my surgery and my new knee in on the mend.  I was hoping during the operation while I was unconscious I would see my Denise, but no such luck.  In many ways I feel I have been walking lightly in her shoes.  I have been lying in her place on the couch, enduring numerous shots and keeping my mediation close so I don't forget to take it. But most of all I have been feeling her frustration.  I have always been a very active and independent person and Denise was the same.  If something needs done we need to do it and do it now.  How frustrating it is when your body wouldn't let you.  I know within weeks with the help of physical therapy my knee will be back to normal, but that is not the case with a brain tumor.  When Denise started losing her balance it didn't get better, neither did her speech or her short term memory.  She would get very frustrated when her legs wouldn't hold her or when what she wanted to say in her head wouldn't come out of her mouth.  I would try to reassure her that everything would be okay, but that was not to be.  How do you tell someone that normal everyday abilities we all take for granted like talking and walking are disappearing forever.

By the end of May my knee will be back to normal and I will be walking in the Walk to end Brain Tumors.  On May 29th all of  Denise's People will be my daughters legs and voices helping to bring about awareness and helping to find a cure for this horrible cancer.  I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she isn't marching along with us in spirit.

Thank you for being one Denise's People.

Pain

Next Monday morning I go into the hospital to have a total knee replacement.  I am very apprehensive and miss not having Denise here to discuss this with.  After listening she would probably have made some kind of  joke about it and we would both have ended up laughing.  Once when visiting her father in the hospital after a heart attack she observed the oxygen gadget on his finger and lifting and pointing his finger upward,  she smiled and said, "ET phone home."  This immediately made her father laugh and a scary and serious situation was lightened for the moment.  No one could have an illness or injury that Denise couldn't make a joke about while still being compassionate.  This was one of her many wonderful ways.

I think of the pain I am going to have to endure after my surgery.   Denise endured so much pain for all those years with  needles constantly being stuck in her until her veins were collapsing and she  had to have surgery to place a port in her chest.  The vaccination shots she had every week that left sore lumps in her arms when she was participating in the clinical trial study.  Being fitted for a mask to hold her head steady while she went thru radiation.  Having her brain probed to biopsy the tumor.  How dare I complain of pain, she never did.   My pain will gradually subside and I will be fine, but Denise endured everything that came her way and she still lost the battle.

Too many children and adults are going thru exactly what Denise did and should be able to recover.  We  need to find out what is causing this horrible cancer and put an end to it, please help our cause.

Thank you for being one of Denise's People.

Spring

Another day, another week, another month, time marches on even though I wish I could turn back time and still have my daughter Denise here.  Soon it will be spring, the time of the year that we both looked forward to.  The first warm sunny day and I would be out in the yard raking up the winter debris and checking to see what may have started to sprout thru the newly thawed ground.  After completion of my task and sitting down with a cup of coffee I would grab the phone and call Denise.  "Guess what I was doing all day?" I would ask, and after telling her she would say, "Get out!, that's what I was doing."  This was a common occurrence as we always seemed to be saying or doing the same thing at the same time.  It got to the point when we informed each other of what we had been doing the response became "Of course you did."  They say great minds think alike, but I think you could skip the great part and just say we seemed to be on the same wave length.
                                                                                                                                                                                                   
 My love of gardening was also one of her favorite things.  A couple of months before her passing she was sitting in the yard and decided she wanted to weed her flower garden.  The tumor at this point was affecting her balance and ability to walk without assistance, so with the help of her sister she scooted on her bottom along the lawn and happily did her weeding.  As I work in my garden this year she will be on my mind and even though she is not with me physically hopefully she will be there spiritually smiling with approval.

Spring is a time of awakening and growth.  It is the time of year when the flowers start pushing thru the ground, the grass turns green, the trees become lush with blossoms and the Robin returns to build its nest.  It is a time of life.   Please help to pass on the awareness of Brain Cancer so that the cause and cure for Brain Cancer can be found and people like my Denise will be alive to enjoy this wonderful time of the year.

Thank You for being one of Denise's People.

Memories

Now I lay me down to sleep, but sleep won't come.  My daughter Denise will be gone 5 months this week and after saying my prayers I have a little conversation with her and say good night, then my brain goes on rewind or fast forward.   I start remembering how jubilant we felt after her radiation treatments were done and the MRI came back showing the tumor had shrunk 20%.  For three years all the MRI's came back no change.  Why couldn't it have stayed that way?  After that the tell tale signs, memory loss, inability to write or understand what she had written, loss of balance were some of the ways we knew the next MRI was not going to be good and she rapidly began to lose the battle.

Then I go on fast forward thinking up events and campaigns to bring about awareness and finding a cure and believe me my mind is going full speed ahead.  Our first event is Memorial Day weekend, what a perfect time to remember loved ones.

We are joining the National Grey Ribbon Crusade Walk by co-ordinating a walk in Pennsylvania.   To sign up go to http://walktoendbraintumors.org/   If you do not live in Pennsylvania check the link for a walk in your area.

Our race is scheduled for May 29th in North Park. We will start our 5k at Harmar Pavilion at 9:oo a.m (come early to register.  The price is $25 per person which will include a tee shirt.  A fun time will be had by all.  Come out and support a loved one, a friend or neighbor.

Thanks for being one of Denise's People.