An Act of Love

There is a poem that goes:  In a little county cemetery, just a few short miles away, we laid a precious loved one, my daughter who passed away.  That is where my Denise lies, not so far away and I go to visit with her quite often.  I talk to her about everything and anything, but mostly I cry.  I tell her about my gardens and I cry, I tell her about how her boys, her brothers and sister and the rest of the family are doing and I cry.  I tell her about her dog Sandy and I cry. I tell her how much I miss her and wish she were here to talk to in person and I cry.  She was not just my daughter but also my best friend.  A day doesn't  go by when something happens and I want to call her to share just as we did when she was alive.  How long does it take before the tears shut off?  I have a feeling never! 

 I told her about the walk and how successful it was, but I bet she already knew.  From the day that I started to organize the event it was uncanny how suddenly people contacted me in one way or another to offer help or give advise.  I'm not talking about people I know but total strangers.  It was as if  an invisible force was helping me.  I was told organizing the walk would be a lot of work, but it never seemed that way.  An act of love never feels like work.  I did the event for the love of my daughter and to make what she went through mean something.  I also did it to help fulfill her dream to help find a cure.  I did it so other mother's won't sit in a cemetery and cry like me.  I will continue to organize events until somehow I pray her dream to end brain cancer will come true.

Thank you for being one of Denise's People.

The First Annual Walk

The first Annual Walk to End Brain Cancer is now a memory.  I woke up Sunday at 5:30 A.M., got dressed, checked to see if I hadn't forgotten anything and off we went to the park.  It was a beautiful sunny day, something we hadn't seen much of lately.  We had to be there early to get everything set up.  When we pulled in my son and granddaughter was already there.  As I walked over to the pavilion my granddaughter said, "Granny, why do you have on  two different shoes?"  Looking down I saw I did have two very different sneakers on.  Denise was quite a prankster and loved a good joke so I am sure she had something to do with this situation, maybe letting me know she was present.  If that was the case I have no problem with the shoes, maybe I will make it a fashion statement for future walks.  Everything was in order when people started to arrive and began to sign in or register.  Before I knew it it was 9:00, everyone had been welcomed, Dr. Okada had spoken to the crowd and the horn was blown to start the walk.  Dr. Leiberman arrived late, so when everyone returned he took the microphone and spoke a few words .  It was now time for the balloon release, each balloon representing a hope and a prayer for a cure for brain cancer.

Organizing this walk was quite a learning experience for me.  Some of the most important things it taught me is how generous, supportive and caring people are.  We had so much fruit and baked goods donated we had people making bags and taking it home.  Anything left we took to the homeless shelter.   When word of the walk got out I had people contacting me wanting to help in anyway they could.  I had people who either had or has a brain tumor contacting me and telling me how glad they were something was finally being done in our state to help raise awareness and funds.  My goal for the first year was $500 and we raised $5850.   I would say the walk was a great success, wouldn't you?  This was only achieved with the help of everyone who supported us in anyway.   To all of those people I have wonderful news.  I found out today the money we raised is enough to fund the supplies needed for one patient to participate in a new vaccine clinical study.   WE MAY HAVE JUST SAVED SOMEONES LIFE.   Maybe next year we can increase that number to two.

Dr. Leiberman and Dr. Okada both said in their remarks what a special person Denise was.  If it wasn't for her this walk probably would not have happened.   I would say that makes her very special indeed!

Thank you for being one of Denise's People. 

Merry Month of May

There is an old song that goes, "In the merry, merry month of May".  What makes May so merry?  Could it be the weather? No, not possible this year as it has rained just about every day.  Could it be because Mother's Day falls in May? No, not possible for me this year.  Mother's Day is a day to honor your mother, but I have two grandson's who couldn't do that this year.  Thinking of them and missing Denise broke my heart.  She always sent me two cards, one serious and one to make me laugh, but they were missing from my mailbox this year. Maybe it is the graduation, communion and confirmation parties that occur this month, but with Denise missing they were not so merry either.

But wait, the month isn't over yet and I know I will be merry on Sunday the 29th.  It is the first annual walk to end brain tumors being held in Denise's honor.  Organizing this event has given me the opportunity to meet some very wonderful people.  I have been contacted by people diagnosed with brain tumors and going through what Denise did.  I have spoken with people who have been diagnosed, had surgery and are now survivors.  Over 80 people have registered to walk so far, others have donated.  Many have offered advise, services, products or to assist in any way possible. All of these people are thrilled we are having this walk and bringing about awareness and raising funds to find a cure.  With so much support how could I not be merry. 

Denise wanted to help find a cure for Brain Cancer and I bet she will will leading the pack when the walk begins.

If you still would like to register go to http:walktoendbraincancer.org

Thank you for being one of Denise's People.

If Only

"If only", how many times have you used that phrase? Just yesterday I was thinking, if only it wasn't so wet I could cut the grass.  If only I was taller, I could reach whatever without a stool.  If only I had blue eyes, I love blue eyes.  If only I could win the lottery, what I couldn't do for my children.  If only I had planted more bulbs in the fall, my daffodil garden would be so much fuller.  I could go on and on and I bet you could make quite a list too. 
Denise had quite a few if only's too.  The big one was if only I didn't have this tumor.  If only I didn't have to take so many pills every day.  If only I didn't forget so much.  If only I could read my writing. If only what I want to say would come out of my mouth right.  If only I didn't lose my balance.  If only I didn't feel so sad.  If only I could get better. 

 Some if only's we have the ability to change like planting more bulbs, but some we can't like getting taller.  I can't tell you how many times I have said, "If only my Denise had not died." but she did and no matter how I wish otherwise it cannot be changed.  But her passing has created new if only's.  Now I say "If only I could help other people like Denise.  If only a cure could be found.  If only people would become aware of how brain cancer is increasing.  If only I could help raise funds so doctors can find a cure."  Maybe someday I can make my daughter's if only's come true,  if only you would all help.


Thank You for being one of Denise's People.

Easter

Well it's almost Easter, the first without my baby girl.  Okay so she was 45. she was and still is my Baby Girl or Sweety DD.  Denise was the true chocoholic.  If it was made of or had chocolate in it you could bet she would eat it.  Chocolate Chip cookies, Brownies, DQ Chocolate Fudge Blizzards and most of all Reese Peanut Butter Cups were her favorites.  I would keep boxes of Peanut Butter Cups hidden in the freezer for her and she would check for them every time she came to visit.  I guess because chocolate was her favorite food she always gave it up for lent.  Needless to say she was always anxious for Easter and would indulge in her chocolate with a happy grin on her face (no one has a smile quite like her).  Not just Easter but every holiday I made sure she had some type of chocolate dessert.
How I'll miss her coming in the door on Sunday.  She always brought me tulips or Lilies although she knew it wasn't necessary.  I would plant them in the yard after Easter and still have some coming up each year.  This year I'll turn the tables and buy her some Lilies or Tulips and on Easter morning I will take them to the cemetery and tell her how much she is loved and missed.  Then I will go home and enjoy Easter dinner with my sons, daughter and grandchildren that I have been blessed with and try to ignore the ache in my heart for my  baby girl that is missing.

Don't forget about the walk to end brain tumors this May 29th.  Go to www.walktoendbraintumors.org to to register or just to donate.   You can also check to see if a walk is planned for your state.

Thank you for being one of Denise's People

Regrets

Today is 6 months since my daughter passed and I still miss her so much.  I relive those last few months over and over and have so many question about so many things.  The last few weeks Denise was unable to carry a conversation.  How I missed having talks with her and still do today.   I wanted to know if she knew what was happening to her and how she felt.   I know she was frustrated with everyone helping her, you could see this in her eyes.  Denise was very particular about her home and was always trying to straighten pictures or cushions or whatever.  The problem was the tumor was now taking away her ability to walk on her own.  If she was not being watched she would attempt to do these things on her own which usually ended in a fall.  One day she had a very bad fall and I yelled at her for getting up without my help.  I was immediately sorry I yelled and explained to her that I couldn't stand to see her get hurt.  The fall resulted in some very bad bruises to her abdomen and I could see it also scared her.  I regret to this day yelling at her and hope she knows it was only because I was scared for her.  I wish I could have talked to her about what was happening to her but I always told her everything would be fine.  Maybe putting death into words would have made it too real and I didn't want to accept that.  I know she didn't want to die, but I pray God and his angels helped her accept the inevitable.
Please remember May is Brain Tumor awareness month.  Go to http://walktoendbraincancer.org/ and register to walk in your area. 
Thank you for being one of Denises People.

Frustration

Almost 2 weeks since my surgery and my new knee in on the mend.  I was hoping during the operation while I was unconscious I would see my Denise, but no such luck.  In many ways I feel I have been walking lightly in her shoes.  I have been lying in her place on the couch, enduring numerous shots and keeping my mediation close so I don't forget to take it. But most of all I have been feeling her frustration.  I have always been a very active and independent person and Denise was the same.  If something needs done we need to do it and do it now.  How frustrating it is when your body wouldn't let you.  I know within weeks with the help of physical therapy my knee will be back to normal, but that is not the case with a brain tumor.  When Denise started losing her balance it didn't get better, neither did her speech or her short term memory.  She would get very frustrated when her legs wouldn't hold her or when what she wanted to say in her head wouldn't come out of her mouth.  I would try to reassure her that everything would be okay, but that was not to be.  How do you tell someone that normal everyday abilities we all take for granted like talking and walking are disappearing forever.

By the end of May my knee will be back to normal and I will be walking in the Walk to end Brain Tumors.  On May 29th all of  Denise's People will be my daughters legs and voices helping to bring about awareness and helping to find a cure for this horrible cancer.  I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she isn't marching along with us in spirit.

Thank you for being one Denise's People.