If Only

"If only", how many times have you used that phrase? Just yesterday I was thinking, if only it wasn't so wet I could cut the grass.  If only I was taller, I could reach whatever without a stool.  If only I had blue eyes, I love blue eyes.  If only I could win the lottery, what I couldn't do for my children.  If only I had planted more bulbs in the fall, my daffodil garden would be so much fuller.  I could go on and on and I bet you could make quite a list too. 
Denise had quite a few if only's too.  The big one was if only I didn't have this tumor.  If only I didn't have to take so many pills every day.  If only I didn't forget so much.  If only I could read my writing. If only what I want to say would come out of my mouth right.  If only I didn't lose my balance.  If only I didn't feel so sad.  If only I could get better. 

 Some if only's we have the ability to change like planting more bulbs, but some we can't like getting taller.  I can't tell you how many times I have said, "If only my Denise had not died." but she did and no matter how I wish otherwise it cannot be changed.  But her passing has created new if only's.  Now I say "If only I could help other people like Denise.  If only a cure could be found.  If only people would become aware of how brain cancer is increasing.  If only I could help raise funds so doctors can find a cure."  Maybe someday I can make my daughter's if only's come true,  if only you would all help.


Thank You for being one of Denise's People.

Easter

Well it's almost Easter, the first without my baby girl.  Okay so she was 45. she was and still is my Baby Girl or Sweety DD.  Denise was the true chocoholic.  If it was made of or had chocolate in it you could bet she would eat it.  Chocolate Chip cookies, Brownies, DQ Chocolate Fudge Blizzards and most of all Reese Peanut Butter Cups were her favorites.  I would keep boxes of Peanut Butter Cups hidden in the freezer for her and she would check for them every time she came to visit.  I guess because chocolate was her favorite food she always gave it up for lent.  Needless to say she was always anxious for Easter and would indulge in her chocolate with a happy grin on her face (no one has a smile quite like her).  Not just Easter but every holiday I made sure she had some type of chocolate dessert.
How I'll miss her coming in the door on Sunday.  She always brought me tulips or Lilies although she knew it wasn't necessary.  I would plant them in the yard after Easter and still have some coming up each year.  This year I'll turn the tables and buy her some Lilies or Tulips and on Easter morning I will take them to the cemetery and tell her how much she is loved and missed.  Then I will go home and enjoy Easter dinner with my sons, daughter and grandchildren that I have been blessed with and try to ignore the ache in my heart for my  baby girl that is missing.

Don't forget about the walk to end brain tumors this May 29th.  Go to www.walktoendbraintumors.org to to register or just to donate.   You can also check to see if a walk is planned for your state.

Thank you for being one of Denise's People

Regrets

Today is 6 months since my daughter passed and I still miss her so much.  I relive those last few months over and over and have so many question about so many things.  The last few weeks Denise was unable to carry a conversation.  How I missed having talks with her and still do today.   I wanted to know if she knew what was happening to her and how she felt.   I know she was frustrated with everyone helping her, you could see this in her eyes.  Denise was very particular about her home and was always trying to straighten pictures or cushions or whatever.  The problem was the tumor was now taking away her ability to walk on her own.  If she was not being watched she would attempt to do these things on her own which usually ended in a fall.  One day she had a very bad fall and I yelled at her for getting up without my help.  I was immediately sorry I yelled and explained to her that I couldn't stand to see her get hurt.  The fall resulted in some very bad bruises to her abdomen and I could see it also scared her.  I regret to this day yelling at her and hope she knows it was only because I was scared for her.  I wish I could have talked to her about what was happening to her but I always told her everything would be fine.  Maybe putting death into words would have made it too real and I didn't want to accept that.  I know she didn't want to die, but I pray God and his angels helped her accept the inevitable.
Please remember May is Brain Tumor awareness month.  Go to http://walktoendbraincancer.org/ and register to walk in your area. 
Thank you for being one of Denises People.

Frustration

Almost 2 weeks since my surgery and my new knee in on the mend.  I was hoping during the operation while I was unconscious I would see my Denise, but no such luck.  In many ways I feel I have been walking lightly in her shoes.  I have been lying in her place on the couch, enduring numerous shots and keeping my mediation close so I don't forget to take it. But most of all I have been feeling her frustration.  I have always been a very active and independent person and Denise was the same.  If something needs done we need to do it and do it now.  How frustrating it is when your body wouldn't let you.  I know within weeks with the help of physical therapy my knee will be back to normal, but that is not the case with a brain tumor.  When Denise started losing her balance it didn't get better, neither did her speech or her short term memory.  She would get very frustrated when her legs wouldn't hold her or when what she wanted to say in her head wouldn't come out of her mouth.  I would try to reassure her that everything would be okay, but that was not to be.  How do you tell someone that normal everyday abilities we all take for granted like talking and walking are disappearing forever.

By the end of May my knee will be back to normal and I will be walking in the Walk to end Brain Tumors.  On May 29th all of  Denise's People will be my daughters legs and voices helping to bring about awareness and helping to find a cure for this horrible cancer.  I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she isn't marching along with us in spirit.

Thank you for being one Denise's People.