The Pre-teen Years

Spring to me signifies birth and summer signifies growth. Denise is in her summer years and is growing and maturing. Her face has lost the baby features and she is now in her pre-teen years. One thing that has not changed is her beautiful smile, which will become a trademark of hers as you can't remember her and not that smile.

She still enjoys camping, being with friends and playing school. She also loves to sing along with records and tries to impersonate the singer. She loved doing Cher and the song "Gypsy, Tramps and Thieves" was her favorite song to impersonate.  Her father thought she was fantastic and would ask her to do it over and over again.  I thought it was just cute and was not ready to sign her up with a recording agent as I'm sure he would have if given the chance.

During those years we took a trip to California to spent time with family that lived there. We went to Disneyland, Universal Studios, drove through Beverly Hills, went to the beach and did all the typical tourist things. We drove to San Francisco via way of route 1 or Big Sur Highway which is a very narrow winding road with high cliffs. At one point we stopped to see the scenery and although her sister went to the edge of the cliff making me very nervous, Denise did not and would not. Denise was afraid of heights and remained so the rest of her life, which meant no roller coasters for her.

Denise was easy going but she was also gullible and naive at times. She would mis-interpret things said sometimes and then laugh it off when she learned the real meaning. Sometimes I wondered if this was because she was embarrassed or really thought it funny.

Have you noticed that in all the enclosed pictures she is wearing red?  I guess you think it was her favorite color, but no it was mine and I loved how she looked in it.   To be honest I don't know what her favorite color was but when she got older she seemed to favor browns, blacks, fall colors and pink.

(to be continued)

A Mother's Prayer

Help me Lord!  I miss my daughter and want her back!   Help me understand, why her?  Help me to understand why she had to get a brain tumor.  Help me understand  why  it couldn't be cured?  If it is a mothers job to care and protect their children help me understand why you didn't give me the ability to help her.  Help me understand how to fill this terrible void her absence has left in my life, although I can't imagine anyone or anything taking her place.  Help me to think of her everyday without crying.  Help me Lord to see her smile and hear her voice if only in my dreams.  Help me to remember all the memories of the years You blessed me with her presence.  Help ease the pain in my heart and help me to dwell on the fact that she is now happy, healthy and at peace in your kingdom.  Amen

I found this poem and I read it every day hoping I can follow it.  Some days it helps and some it doesn't.

She is Gone.....You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she lived.  You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back, or you  can open your eyes and see all that she has left.  Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, Or you can be full of the love that you shared.  You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  You can remember her memory and only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.  You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back, or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes , love and go on...

I love you Baby Girl and always will.

A Baby No More

One, two, three, four, five, one by one the years go flying by.  They say time flies when your having fun.  I must of been having fun.  To be honest with you, I was having fun.  The years when all my children were small and still at home were the happiest time of my life.  One by one they were all growing up and heading off to school, it was now Denise's turn.  She was no longer a baby.  As a matter of fact she was no longer the baby of the family either as a couple of months before her 5th birthday a new baby brother entered the world. 

Denise loved to talk, so much so her Pap Pap nicknamed her Gabby.  No longer does she stutter but has developed a speech impediment where she substitutes a W for an R.   A conversation with her would go something like this, "I am going up to my woom to wead a book."  or  "A squiwwel cwossed the stweet and almost got hit by a caw."  To this day we still call a squirrel a squiwwel and when she was still here she would laugh along with us. 

 Off she goes to school and the speech problem will become a thing of the past due to a couple years of speech class. Denise was an excellent student and was very well behaved in school.  She always displayed enthusiasm and interest in all of her subjects and had a smile for everyone around her.   I don't remember ever getting any kind of negative report about her.  In fact, all reports were always positive and complimentary and her grades were always A's. Her love of school followed her home and she spent many hours playing school and imitating her favorite teacher.

I think mother's cry on the first day a child starts school because they know it's the first step toward their chick leaving the nest.

Denise made friends easy but spent most of her time with a few neighbor girls and her sister and brothers.  She was a typical little girl playing with dolls, watching cartoons, playing with the dog and doing other things little girls do.  She was a healthy child with a pleasant deposition and could entertain herself if need be.  Don't get me wrong she also knew how to get into a squabble with her siblings or her friends, but none of it was ever anything serious. 

Her enthusiastic personality and her infectious smile made such a impression that a teacher and an old school mate which hadn't seen her in years saw her obituary and took the time to pay their condolences. (to be continued)

Vacations

Summertime and the living is easy, so they say.  People are either leaving or coming back from vacation, I just came back.  Every year we go to my daughters house on the beach.  Relaxing time, doing the things folks do at the beach.  Walking along the sand finding shells, the best treasure an unbroken conch shell. Watching for dolphins and following them down the shore. The waves splashing against your legs as you walk, jumping back when an unexpected large one soaks more than your legs.  Swimming in the pool when you would rather avoid the salt water or it is too windy on the beach.  Slathering on the sun tan lotion so you don't burn, heaven forbid you can't go home without a tan.  Cruising the shops in town looking for the perfect souvenir or gift for someone at home.  These are the things we do every summer, but this year it wasn't the same.  You see, Denise has been going with us for quite a few years and I felt her absence constantly.  I would look up from in the pool and visualize her sunbathing in her lounge chair, something she loved to do.  She always got a perfect tan without even trying.  She didn't go in the pool much but would watch everyone, crack jokes and make everyone laugh.  How somber the pool was this year. 
She would always walk the beach with me and we would have some of our best conversations, although last year she didn't because she didn't have the strength to walk any distance for very long.  The conversations and memories of our walks were with me on the beach this year and my desire to find shells vanished.
Everything I did and everywhere I went brought memories of her to mind, even what she would order for dinner.  But the hardest part of this vacation was in the evening sitting on the deck watching the ocean.  Remembering sitting there with Denise last year and how quiet and sad she became.  I asked her what was wrong  and with her limited vocabulary she told me how scared she was and that she didn't want to die. She knew what was coming! But it wasn't until we got home that the doctor told her the tumor was growing again and we were out of options.  Less than 3 months later she was gone.  Oh Lord, I miss her!
I cut my vacation short this year and returned home a couple days early.  I know I should count my blessing and be glad I had so many vacations with her but for now I just feel her absence.  Maybe next year will be better.

Thank You for being one of Denise's People

Camping

As a mother you can't wait for your child to be born, or at least that was the way I felt.  Before the birth of my first child, I would sleep with a pair of plastic pants under my pillow so I could smell the scent of the baby powder.  For all you youngsters, plastic pants was what you put over top of cloth diapers to keep bedding, clothes and etc dry.  they have gone the way of the dinosaur, now extinct.  It seems like forever until your baby arrives and then in no time they are no longer infants.  Everyday getting a little more independent and developing their very own personality. 

Denise was a happy child and enjoyed playing with  her sister and brother.  As a family we would go on camping trips in the summer to Lake Erie.  We would go fishing, swimming and boating.  We would cook over an open fire and sleep in a tent.  We would bathe in the lake and go to the bathroom in an outhouse.  I always had a fear of one of the children falling in going to the bathroom, but thankfully that was never to be. 

 Denise loved being in the sun and she seemed to tan naturally.   She loved riding the waves in the motor boat, playing in the sand and looking for shells.  The whole camping experience was a treat for her and her love for it would follow her through the rest of her life.  (to be continued)

Because of brain tumors people can not always do the things they most enjoy.  Depending on where the tumor is, it can effect a persons ability to walk, talk, speak, eat, think and other senses.  The medication needed to control the tumor or seizures effect how things taste, exposure to sunlight and a persons energy level.  Quality of life can be effected slightly or greatly.  Awareness is the first step to finding a cure for brain cancer.  Please pass the word and hopefully more people will eventually be able to do what they enjoy the most.

Birth

It all began on December 25th, 1964, a baby girl was born.  What do you name a baby girl born on Christmas morning?  Mary, Christine, Noel were all options, but no she was named Denise Ann.  What a pretty little girl she was, only 7 pounds but with chubby checks and big brown eyes.  How special to be born on Christmas!  Here was a new life with a long promising future in front of her.  I couldn't wait to get her home to meet her sister and brother.  There was only 14 months between her and her brother.  Because her brother had been born premature, his development had been slowed and it was almost like having twins.
They both learned to crawl and walk at the same time.  Whenever Denise came to a crack in the sidewalk she would get down and crawl over it.  This was due to being knocked over by another child.  At this young age, Denise was very timid.  If she did something wrong you only had to look at her and she would start to cry.   Her brother stuttered and so she did too.  When they had a conversation everyone would stand and shake their heads as only they knew what they were saying.  Over the years they developed a very special bond and I think this is when it started.  (to be continued)

Now here I am 46 years later with another new beginning, the birth of  Denise's People Foundation.  A foundation to raise awareness and funds for brain cancer research.   It is now in it's infancy, but unlike my daughter I am hoping it doesn't need a long future.  I am hoping that it will not take long for doctors to find the cause and cure of Brain Cancer.

Thank You for being one of Denise" People

An Act of Love

There is a poem that goes:  In a little county cemetery, just a few short miles away, we laid a precious loved one, my daughter who passed away.  That is where my Denise lies, not so far away and I go to visit with her quite often.  I talk to her about everything and anything, but mostly I cry.  I tell her about my gardens and I cry, I tell her about how her boys, her brothers and sister and the rest of the family are doing and I cry.  I tell her about her dog Sandy and I cry. I tell her how much I miss her and wish she were here to talk to in person and I cry.  She was not just my daughter but also my best friend.  A day doesn't  go by when something happens and I want to call her to share just as we did when she was alive.  How long does it take before the tears shut off?  I have a feeling never! 

 I told her about the walk and how successful it was, but I bet she already knew.  From the day that I started to organize the event it was uncanny how suddenly people contacted me in one way or another to offer help or give advise.  I'm not talking about people I know but total strangers.  It was as if  an invisible force was helping me.  I was told organizing the walk would be a lot of work, but it never seemed that way.  An act of love never feels like work.  I did the event for the love of my daughter and to make what she went through mean something.  I also did it to help fulfill her dream to help find a cure.  I did it so other mother's won't sit in a cemetery and cry like me.  I will continue to organize events until somehow I pray her dream to end brain cancer will come true.

Thank you for being one of Denise's People.